The Emma Log

my true height

2011-07-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

I am pretty tall, 6 foot, which I think registers me as "pretty damn tall" as far as women go. My whole life people, usually much shorter than me, would tell me I should appreciate my height, and that I was really lucky to be so tall. Notice it was always shorter people who said this to me, and they said it as though they had gained some sort of wisdom being short that I had missed out on. I think if the tables had been turned and I took them aside and said "Look- appreciate being short! You're very lucky" they probably would have been a little miffed at me. Yeah I know- we want what we can't have, the grass is always greener, yadda yadda.

Which reminds me of a time at church when I was about 13 or 14 and spent my Sunday mornings singing with the youth choir in front of the whole church. After the service an older lady, who I believe was the mom of a girl a few years older than me, took me aside and said "Sweetie you're so beautiful... but you should wear makeup. Then you wouldn't look so tired and dead up there!" She smiled at me kind of expectantly, like I was supposed to thank her for pointing out how pale and tired I looked. I stared at her for a good 15 seconds, and then I turned around and walked away. My mom was horrified and chastised me for being rude, but truly I thought this was a lecture this woman should have received instead. I pointed this out and my mom insisted she was just trying to be kind and didn't realize how fracking RUDE she was being. Especially to a teenage girl. Especially to a teenage girl who didn't identify with the other teenage girls her age, especially to a teenage girl who found all that "girl" stuff kind of pointless and stupid. Especially a teenage girl who already felt pretty alienated from her peers, for a myriad of reasons, one of them being her height.

Anyways, height. People have things they dislike about themselves, things they long to change. One of mine has always been my height, although I'm fresh out of options for changing that. For a long time I never really noticed it, but as I grew older people felt compelled to point it out. Especially when I gained a fondness for heels, especially very high heels. I began to truly tower over everyone, leading people to ask me my least favorite question: "Why are you wearing those? You're already tall." Nevermind that I just liked the way they looked, that I was aesthetically drawn to them. I don't really wear heels anymore, or if I do they have very small heels. I have a pair of platform heels that have 4 inches on them and I LOVE the way they look- but not so much the way I look on me. With them on I am 6 foot 4, an unacceptable height for someone in the real world. I'm sure things would be much different if I was an actress or a model but unfortunately I am neither.

I brought up this discussion on facebook, trying to detail how I've struggled with this fact of my being for many years, and I got a lot of "well you don't have it so bad" comments. And I know that, I know other people struggle with things much worse than this, that they struggle much harder and longer than I ever have and ever will. But for christ's sake this is MY struggle, and just because it's not as bad as being under 5 foot or being born with no arms or legs doesn't mean it's meaningless. So in case any of you are reading this and feel that argument bubbling up inside of you, I'll say this- I have a wonderful life, I have been so lucky, and so blessed in so many aspects of my life. I am well educated, I am privileged, I am well adjusted. But I struggle with this, and no amount of "quit whining, you have it good" will ever take that away.

Some days I wake up and life goes on like usual, I dress for work and slip my flats on and go about my business. But some days, today being one of those days, I wake up and I feel the full effects of being so tall. Today i got up and was looking at a trinket on my wall, which my head is level with. I considered that if I was a "normal" height, this trinket would be above me. I stoop down and try to imagine what it would be like to go through life at a normal height. When I was younger I dreamed of having some sort of surgery where they would cut the bones of my legs to make me shorter. Now I know that even if some sort of wacky surgeon was offering that surgery today I would not take him up on his offer. My height is what it is and one day I'll get old and start to shrink and I think that will be the one thing I enjoy about aging.

And one day I'll have a child or children and if it's a girl I hope she does not inherit my extreme height. I hope she is 5 foot 8, making her tall for a girl but still completely accepted among her peers. She won't feel, as I read on a blog once, "out of scale among groups of women friends, clumsily photoshopped into the scene." But if she is as tall as me, or taller, I hope I can tuck away my own insecurities and show her, daily, breezily, effortlessly, that it's no big deal. That being tall is a fine thing, that she is still a normal person even if she is 8 inches taller than her best friends, even if she gets stuck in the back row with the boys in elementary school pictures.

sense memory

2011-06-14T18:15:00.001-07:00

Smells, sights, sounds, textures that take you to another place. This happens to me a lot, probably because I have an extremely over active imagination. That always sounds like a good thing when you're in kindergarten and your teacher is complimenting your mom about your "vivid sense of imagination" but it turns out not to be a good thing when you live alone and imagine just all the ways a person could break in and kill you, or when you're in the woods and start thinking about bear attack scenarios. But like it or not I'm all imaginative and shit, and I have a pretty good memory. And great hearing- but that's another story.

But sense memory... I have a lip gloss that I never used but kept around because when I smelled it I remembered being 6 and playing with "my little ponies." I guess it was this kind of plastic-y girly powdery smell. I drive home and the sun is setting, casting a glow on the trees and I'm remembering walking home from the bus in high school in fall. It's October so it's getting darker out and I'm excited about Halloween. It's warm in the day but cold when the sun goes down and I hate that, because when it's so cold and dark I can hear this weird roaring sound that I think comes from the airport but it makes me nervous, like when you see a storm coming from a long way away.

I don't know if this counts as sense memory but every time I'm reading a news article about a court case and see the words "not guilty" I think of my dad. When I was 9 or so I was asking him about something and asked why they weren't found "innocent." He looked at me and said "Emma no one is ever found innocent, they can only be found not guilty. No court will ever declare someone innocent." He looked at me and all the sudden my childish notions about justice evaporated. I realized that once you are accused you can never again be innocent. Once that happens it doesn't matter if you really are innocent or not, a line is drawn and now the best you can do is convince someone you're not guilty. Today I was reading an article about "the Iceman" and it said "he was found innocent in connection with the death" and immediately I thought "you can't be found innocent, TIME magazine, you can only be found not guilty."
And this song reminds me of something that I can't quite put my finger on. You'd think it's Russia but it's not. And ignore the weird video, the song's title is "City of the green color" so take that how you will

feeling old and young

2011-06-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really weird lately about something extremely typical and, dare I say, cliché.

I feel old.

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now. It all started when I saw a young couple walking along the side of the road. They looked like they were maybe 16 or 17 and were obviously in some sort of very new and sparklingly wonderful relationship. Cue my next cliché statement "ah, young love." Anyways they were so young and so happy, kind of tentatively touching each other in a careless but still very calculated way. All this young, happy love predictably depressed me- because it feels like just yesterday that I was 16, shiny and new.

Not to say that I'm unhappy- I'm not really. I'm about as moderately happy as a person who lives a solitary life can be. And it's not going to be solitary forever so I can deal with that. But just seven years ago I was 16, and in another 7 years I'll be 30.

I can remember my whole life feeling like I was going down a path that was directly in front of me, and for so long my goal was to get to high school. And then I got to high school and my goal was to do well and set myself up for a good college, and I was so wrapped up in this goal that I didn't notice my life progress, I didn't notice my body grow and change, I didn't notice my mind shift inside my own head. And then one day I was graduating high school and at that point me and my friends all exclaimed how old we were getting- but we didn't really believe it. We exclaimed about our age but at the same time we knew we were still very young.

And so I feel old but still very young. My path that was laid out for me has come to an end and now I'm the one that has to figure out where the hell I'm going. In this way I feel old- I don't particularly like the responsibility of figuring this out alone. At the same time I recognize I can do pretty much whatever I want (except maybe firefighting. Not that I want to do that... but seriously that's not ever happening) and I am still young enough to really shake things up if I want. Like I could move to Sri Lanka and fight child marriage if I wanted. I could get a PhD in Soviet film if I wanted. I could get married, move to a farm and have 15 kids if I wanted.

But everytime I think about going back to school I can't help but frame it with my age. "By the time I finished that program I'd be 27... By the time I finished and started my residency I'd be 28...."

I guess at the heart of it I want to really live up my 20's and am scared to lose track of my own life and my own aging. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I'm 30 and not know what I was doing.

Well that turned out more ramble-y than I intended.

For the video of the day: my true future self

Leonard Cohen poem

2011-05-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

I heard of a man

who says words so beautifully
that if he only speaks their name
women give themselves to him.

If I am dumb beside your body

while silence blossoms like tumors on our lips

it is because I hear a man climb the stairs and clear his throat outside our door.

this

2011-05-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

was my favorite song when I was 10:

sorry blog

2011-05-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hey blog, I got a job! So I guess this is goodbye...
Just kidding. But I do have considerably less free time now, which is a completely excellent thing. When you're working and you're bored or frustrated sometimes you fantasize about what it would be like to not have a job and do whatever you want all day long. But unfortunately it's not as fun as it seems, mostly because you can't enjoy doing anything without having a nagging worry about spending money and spiraling into debt and ending up on the street.

So yes, job is good. I'm a receptionist for a construction firm and they pay me well so all in all it's very nice and the job is easy. I mostly answer phones and transfer the caller to the correct extension. And the callers don't yell at me, so that's good. Once someone called and was kind of grumbling at me about a superintendent on a job site and was like "HE GOT THE WRONG TIME ZONE!" and I was just like "oh sorry about that, I'll let him know" and then he hung up. One of my jobs the other day was sorting through resumes, categorizing and filing them. This involved me reading the resumes and I realized I don't know if I could be in HR or any capacity where it was my job to hire someone. It wasn't that the resumes were tedious or annoying, although some of them desperately needed reformatting, but you could see the desperation written all over the page. Everyone was unemployed, most everyone had been laid off, and most everyone was willing to do absolutely anything as long as it was a job. So yeah, I count myself lucky.

Besides that my life is still pretty dull. I went to the theatre and saw Bridesmaids last weekend and while it was funny and sweet and endearing, I still can't believe it has been heralded as the movie to set the "path" for truly funny women. While it was "raunchy" it still had tameness about it. It was advertised as the anti "rom com," but it was still so formulaic! All in all I was a little disappointed. I was entertained and I laughed and I loved Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph but it seemed reined in somehow. Also I felt like Melissa McCarthy's character was trying way WAAAAAYYY too hard.

Well that's it for now. I'm doing some thrift store shopping today, still looking for wooden outdoor chairs that I can refinish. Also getting a sandwich at the best damn sandwich place in the world. I kind of wish this wasn't a three day weekend and I could just go to work tomorrow. That's how pathetic I am.

sun safety propaganda

2011-05-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

With summer fast approaching it's really, truly beginning. I mentioned this earlier. THE SUN. It thirsts for your blood.
I saw this video recently and by the end of it I was crying:

Besides the obvious, I'm not sure why it upset me so much. And I don't mean to diminish the cause by joking about it, because I fear skin cancer and believe in preventing it. I was the one in college tsk-tsking my friends trips to the tanning beds, bringing extra sun screen and reciting cancer statistics. Of course they ignored me. But I haven't always been so conscientious, unfortunately. As a child I resisted the sunscreen, and although my mother did her damndest to hold me down and slather me up I've had a few bad burns in my lifetime. Back then (ohhh sooo many years ago. Not.) sunscreen wasn't as convenient as it is now, and was usually gloppy and white and cold, and your skin never absorbed it very well so you were sure to be streaked in white even 30 minutes after applying it. Now a days there are gels, sprays, SPF in moisturizer and makeup, SPF even in sunless tanner.

I guess my concern and fear comes from the fact that I feel no matter what I do I'll still get sick. I'm fair skinned with blonde hair and blue eyes, up there on the chart of most likely to get skin cancer. And despite all my knowledge about protecting my skin, there were times in my life where I just didn't care, as a child hating the process, and as a teenager just wanting to fit in and enjoy the sun like everyone else. All I can do now is just hope for the best and keep an eye out for weird moles.

Wellll that was depressing. So protect your skin! Watch the video! Wear a hat and sunscreen but still go outside and enjoy yourself. Doooo it.
In conclusion, enjoy this article about chihuahua derby racing.

love this song

2011-05-05T23:22:00.001-07:00

and I know, and you know it too, that a love like ours is terrible news
but that won't stop me crying, no that won't stop me crying over you

the internet improves my life. also ruins it. everyday.

2011-05-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes (alright let's be real... ALL THE TIME) I get online and either I stumble or find a link that's so delightful and wonderful and I laugh and think about how lucky I am. Whether it be a website selling the world's biggest gummi bear or this video about the human slinky:

Human-slinky by bbqkarubi

Or finally finding out about kittehroulette.

And then, inevitably, I will come across something immensely upsetting. LIKE THIS ARTICLE ABOUT "NEW" SUN SAFETY RULES!
NOOOOO!!
Sunblock no longer good enough. Now you have to wear an "antioxidant enriched moisturizer"! WHAT IS THAT. Or how about this:

"Old rule: A little sun is healthy—20 minutes three times a week allows your body to produce vitamin D.
New rule: It’s not smart to go out-of-doors unprotected."

Kids- the sun is your enemy. It does want to kill you. Do not leave your home without slathering up. At the very least you will get ugly looking from wrinkles and at the very worst you will DIE.

And I knowww that it's most likely bullshit, that you can go outdoors to get the mail without sunscreen and you'll live to tell the tale. My logical brain knows this. My grandfather is approaching 95 years old and lived and worked on a farm when sunscreen wasn't even a thought. But also my grandfather lived in Minnesota and didn't spend the summer laying outside in a bikini. In Florida.

And while I know this is likely advertising execs trying to manipulate me and I know I should resist... I can't. I pass the sunscreen aisle and my neurotic, anxiety prone, slightly hypochondriac self can't pass it up. Bought the sunscreen. Will wear it.
And of course at the end of the summer, I will find a mole that has most likely always been there and then convince myself I have cancer. Then half an hour later I will convince myself I am dying of cancer.

Damn you internet. Damn you.

feeling alone

2011-04-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

Every night I check the closets, the bathroom, and everything else in my 600 square foot apartment. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling and tense when I hear a noise. My ears strain, and the silence roars. My imagination whirs, I think of someone breaking down the door, coming in while I'm asleep. I reach out to touch Ryan's gun, which isn't even loaded, then my hand shrinks away. I've only shot the thing once and hated it so I can't actually imagine myself shooting someone.

Eventually I hear the creaking steps of the upstairs neighbors, bane of my existence ever since we got a "notice" from the landlord saying that someone had complained about "loud voices" coming from our apartment after quiet hours. I'm certain it was the upstairs neighbors and now track their every indiscretion in a notebook, my eyes slitted, hating them even though I know nothing about them except they like the word "fuck" and they smoke, because I can hear them coughing all the time. I'm not quite sure what I will do with the list of indiscretions, but it makes me feel better to track those coughing bastards, their late night parties and their drunken name calling and crying.

It's harder to be alone than I imagined. Hopefully I'll score a !!!JOB!!!! soon and will be more preoccupied.

Cat Food whaaat

2011-04-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

After I saw those weird, psychedelic Friskies commercials I didn't think I could possibly feel weirder about cat food

Until I read this article about the marketing campaign. Apparently Friskies was hoping to reach out to cat owners who are really, realllly into the experience of feeding their cat. And I quote:

" "Feeding wet," as Schlueter calls it, can for some owners be a highly ritualized and intimate pet interaction... This is a time for cats and owners to bond over a heap of moist, processed meat. And, according to Schlueter, many owners like to imagine what their cats are feeling and thinking during these moments of culinary ecstasy. This trippy ad, which is for wet food, is meant to capture the altered consciousness of the cat—the sensually heightened bliss it derives from chewing on a pile of damp Friskies."

Disgusting. So after I read that I thought, no, things cannot possibly get more bizarre.
Then I saw this "commercial" (although it's more of a short film):

WHAAAAAT. What was that? I looked it up and found it on youtube and watched it again. Then I called Ryan in the room and made him watch it. I tried to think of what Fancy Feast was up to... what is the point of that? Who are they marketing to?

And then I realized they are marketing to ME. Women cat lovers, in the 20 to mid 30's range, most likely educated young professional women of the marriageable age who are seeing their friends settle down and who long for the same. This woman looks like someone I could know and who is probably a little bit older than me. But she could be ME. She met a man who loves her so much that he noticed that she loves cats (Ryan said if I invited him over to meet my parents for the first time and then spent the whole evening playing with a cat that this most likely would be a deal breaker for him. But obviously this young commercial man finds it endearing), or more specifically ugly fluffy white cats with smooshed in faces who will deposit their very, very long fur on every item of clothing you own so you will need to at all times have a sticky hair roller in your purse, and a back-up in your car so you won't trail long, white cat hair everywhere you go, whether it be the doctor's office or a very important interview. But I digress...

Of course then comes the transformation of the bachelor pad into a little kitty paradise, the PROPOSAL (I also suggested to Ryan that he might want to take note of that. From the look he gave me, I'm guessing my suggestion was not noted), the very subtle but effective view of the rInG!!!!@!@!@! And of course everything in boxes, moving, starting your life together, just you, your honey and your little kitty cat. And feed that little surrogate child some fancy feast IF, of course, you truly love your cat. Because here comes the punch-line, "the best ingredient is love." Of course if you really loved your cat you would feed them wet food only sparingly, since it causes their little kitty kidneys to malfunction and eventually kill them. Or so the vet said.

Anyways- creepy to realize you are being pandered to and sought after. In a cat food commercial. Fancy feast wants me...

I have to cook now

2011-04-22T22:20:00.001-07:00

That's what sucks about being an "adult" and living on your own and shit.

I have to cook. EVERY DAY. Unless I want to live on coffee (I view even this as a cooking ordeal. Ryan bought a coffee pot and I swear the thing hates me. It doesn't recognize me as its master and therefore feels free to fuck up my coffee or just somehow malfunction and drip coffee grounds all over the counter. And it hisses at me like a cockroach) and cereal all day every day I have to COOK. For the first two weeks in our apartment Ryan and I (scratch that. just me) were really excited about cooking. I looked up recipes and tried to master techniques. Well now we're in week three and I'm definitely over it.

Last night I made a meatloaf. It's my mom's recipe and it's delicious if you're into meatloaf. I made it for Ryan before he returned to the good ol' South and he loved it. So I made it again, but this time just for me. Now I'm eating meatloaf for the next five days, which is fine because now I don't have to cook for five days. But kind of gross too.

Another thing about being "ADULT" (yeah right) is I go bonkers now if any of the food goes bad because I spent my money on it so now it matters if money is being wasted. So I was going through the fridge making sure all the food was being consumed and I found some two week old carrots. I'm thinking shit, now I have to eat like 8 raw carrots because it's NOT getting wasted. Then I looked at the meatloaf and you knowwww what I put carrots in the meatloaf. Sounds insane but didn't really notice them. It's like those dumb Chef Boyardee commercials about the secret vegetables in that god awful ravioli.

It's always good to teach children early on that vegetables are gross. And ravioli is the only thing you will ever need in your life. Also- don't pay attention to food labels. Just eat it. I think that's a lesson for the masses.

One thing I will say (until I retract it)- making my own salad dressing from now on (until I'm tired and like nope). For some reason the salad dressing I bought at the store has been making me gag lately. I just hate it. But I have to eat it because I BOUGHT IT. Vicious cycle. But I found a dressing recipe online and I could eat this all day long. It's delicious. I got this from The Reluctant Gourmet

Ingredients:

1 glove of garlic, smashed
2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
5-6 tablespoons oil (vegetable, corn, canola, olive or some combination)
pinch of dried parsley
pinch of dried thyme
salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

Add the vinegar, garlic, and mustard well. Slowly add the oil while whisking the mixture. Add the herbs and salt and pepper and season to your tastes. I used olive oil and a nice spicy Dijon mustard. Don't make it if you hate mustard, obviously. DELISSHHH.

UPDATE: Ewwwww I just watched that commercial again and how gross is "micro-beef (ravioli)"? Call it lil' bites or something. ANYTHING ELSE

prairie dogs?

2011-04-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

I just had to google that to figure out how you spell "prairie." Ridiculous.

But there are PRAIRIE DOGS on the side of the highway. Running around and jumping in their holes and looking out and holding their little arms against their little prairie chests. They aren't secretive about it either. I get really excited about them when I see them but I guess this is something everyone else here is used to.

I always thought of myself as a bit of a city gal, not really being keen on small towns or places where one has to actively search for a shoe store (and other necessities). When we decided to move here I was feeling very happy about the decision and being able to see Denver from my apartment's little porch. We're on the outskirts, where there's public open space about a mile down the road and views of the foothills. Everything was feeling very idyllic.
And then I drove THROUGH Denver.

I can honestly say I've never been one to get too angry about traffic- I'm generally a very easy going person. Apparently that was a different life because today I found myself pounding my steering wheel until my hands hurt and screaming obscenities that have never before left my mouth (you goddamned cock sucking sheisty little piece of shit and offal) and almost dissolving into tears when I saw the 7 lane highway packed with cars. And I reiterate... WTF. How can 7 LANES BE PACKED AT 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON ON A WEDNESDAY?!?

I would rather endure the threat of bear attack on a daily basis and dig holes to poop in than find myself crying about traffic. Maybe that's extreme, maybe I'm more of a "mid size town with decent road structures and a Whole Foods a few miles away" type of gal rather than a rugged outdoorsy type or a city dweller.
Denver, that's strike one. You'd better shape up your act or perhaps I'll have to give in to my wanderlust sooner rather than later...

5 things about colorado so far

2011-04-11T20:32:00.001-07:00

..where I have recently moved.

1. It is very dry. Very very dry. On the positive side of this, my hair behaves more than when I lived down south. On the downside, I wake up and every day my lips are chapped. I have to put on chap stick ALL THE TIME and I wonder if this will ever end. My nose sometimes bleeds. My skin feels dry and cracked. Will my body get used to the dry, arid air? Will I always feel like a fish that poked its head out of water?

2. People drive terribly. TERRIBLY. They do not follow the speed limit and by this I mean they always go about 10 below the speed limit. They don't change lanes well. Stop signs occasionally cause confusion.

3. On top of this bad driving they have very bad ROAD RAGE and get very, VERY angry about all the terrible driving going on. They seem to be in a very big hurry all the time and need to express how hurried and pissed off they are by screaming, cursing, hand gestures, and last but certainly not least honking. They honk all the damn time. And a small anecdote about the ROAD RAGE mentioned earlier... Ryan and I were making a trip to Walmart for a few items for the apartment our first day moving in. We were exiting the Walmart parking lot and there was a slight misunderstanding about lanes between us and the lady in the turn lane next to us. No big deal, both of us were going about 15 miles per hour and we swerved and they swerved and no harm was done. The lady FREAKED OUT and honked and visibly flicked us off (with both hands) and we could hear her screaming from inside her car. We both started laughing because this was the biggest over reaction either of us had seen in a long time. At the stop light she GOT OUT OF HER CAR, approached our car, and started screaming at us, called us assholes and told us not to laugh because she had kids in the car. Then got in the car and sped off. This is just one example of extreme road rage I have witnessed. What gives? Why is everyone so angry? Perhaps its the vicinity to Denver and just big city attitudes but who knows.

4. Great beer selections available

5. Most the time the sky is so blue...

what I googled

2010-12-29T16:22:00.000-08:00

The other day I was thinking about how bad i am about blogging. Also the other day Ryan was saying he was going to blog about the things i google on a daily basis ever since he looked at the history on my phone and found I had googled "how long after a person dies do they poop." It's a legitimate question but unfortunately I was unable to think of a better way to phrase it. And that's pretty much how i use google- i just type in complete sentences or questions and see where it gets me. So in an attempt to be a better blogger and keep a better record of myself so I won't look back in 50 years and wonder what I was doing with my time I'll just talk about what i google.

Today I googled "why do I have tightness in my chest when I breathe deeply." This lead me to google "walking pneumonia." I'm a slight hypochondriac and after convincing myself I have lung cancer I decided i needed to investigate the matter. The jury's still out, as it could be pneumonia, angina, lung clotting, etc etc. Still don't feel convinced enough to go to the doctor so i guess I'll just ignore it for now and avoid "breathing deeply."

And appropriately...

2010-07-18T01:12:00.001-07:00

Self loathing via Radiohead via this cover of "Creep" by a Belgian girls choir

the post-grad blues, with a heap of self-loathing

2010-07-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

I wrote this whole long blog entry about my dog Peanut dying and sobbed the whole time. After writing, reflected, and deleted entry. There were too many gory details that for now will stay put in my noggin. Suffice to say he died and while it was difficult and upsetting, it was also peaceful and quick. And I miss him, almost three weeks later.

I start work on Monday as a 'telebanking associate," AKA that person you call and scream at when your bank screws something up. That faceless, emotionless, dulcet-toned bank droid you berate for 20 minutes for not completing some seemingly simple task and then shake your head as you hang up, saying something about how scary it is that such idiots handle all your financial information.

That'll be me, ladies and gents. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know how lucky I am to have scored a job at all in the current market. I don't know- it's getting a little hard to stomach all those tight faced looks when people congratulate me on graduating with my very impressive Russian degree, and what am I doing now? Oh working at a bank? Oh how nice.... Cue rolling eyes for my stupid fanciful degree that will get me nowhere special. Probably should've spent my time studying something useful, like accounting or management or computer shit. My degree doesn't count until I mosey on over to Moscow to teach English to Russian schoolchildren, as if that was my whole goal in life. It doesn't seem fair- my friends with "sensible" degrees are in the same boat I am. I don't know where everyone gets this idea that getting a degree means you're suddenly an expert in everything in that subject. If I would ask my management major friends a question about economics they'd give me a vague answer and say something like, "shit I don't remember- that was 2 years ago." At least these friends with practical majors don't have to get the look from people. Like I've failed somehow because I didn't board a plane after graduation and move to Russia. Like I'm a phony because I'm not working for the State Department.

And now I sound like a whiner. But I have GOALS. I'm not ready for the rest of my life to happen. I want the little stuff- to move to a cool, fun place with beautiful scenery. On the West Coast. To become the type of person that hikes and bikes on the weekend and revels in nature. To get an apartment or rent a house or something. To get a job that maybe isn't groundbreaking or life affirming but that is a job that I enjoy, that makes enough money to enjoy life and not be panicky. That's all I want right now- and maybe the world traveler groundbreaking adventurer life-saving shit will come later. Maybe Russian will play a role in that and maybe it won't- it was fun as hell to study and I'm glad I did. I'm glad I didn't drag myself to econ classes that I didn't give a shit about. I learned a freaking language! I'm not fluent or native or anything but I can and did speak it and was understood and understood and made jokes with it and lived on it. I traveled with it, I saw things and experienced things that people here don't really care about. I joined the small club of people who love Russia for all its quirks, who chuckle over the things most Americans get ENRAGED over! It's taught me to be patient, to accept that things don't always go as planned, that you have to fend for yourself when no one else will. Would I have learned these things in an econ class?
Alright people? People who I'm addressing and who will never see this? Keep your expectations and tight faced looks with your spastic eye rolls and smug sense of knowing to yourselves. I'm not interested in your ideas, only my own.

I like...

2010-01-17T21:20:00.000-08:00

You. And this song:

The beginning of my last semester of school EVER (maybe unless I go to grad school somedayyyy) begins WEDNESDAY. NO NO NO. But unfortunately yes. Someone want to give me a job and or prospects? No? Starbucks it is.
Just kidding I hope. I'm searching. And hoping the universe gives me a break. However I've gotten a lot of breaks in my life already so I'm probably just about due for a swift kick in the pants

target

2009-11-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

A few days ago Ryan and I went to Target to get him a button down shirt. We were going to my “formals” later that night for my sorority. There’s a Starbucks in the Target in Selinsgrove, and I spied a poster for Starbucks’ latest sweet concoction and told Ryan I was going to get us something to share. I stepped in line behind an older woman, she looked in her mid sixties. She was talking to no one in particular, as the girl behind the counter was busy making other drinks. As I took my place in line she turned and began to talk to me, quickly.

“That’s my boy out there,” she pointed out the window to a man in a red target vest who was collecting shopping carts and drinking an energy drink. I smile. “Isn’t he big?” Yes, he is big in a few respects, but the first thing I notice is his hair. He has really long, stringy, strawberry-blonde hair. I smile, “Yeah, really big.” I think about mentioning his hair but decide not to.“Well his brothers even bigger!” I smile and nod, “Oh, wow, that’s pretty big.” Ryan approaches, warily looking between me and this woman. “He’s in jail,” she says abruptly. “Oh,” we say, looking uncomfortable. “I know it wasn’t a gun,” she says, “It was only a flashlight. They didn’t even look to see if it was a gun. How can they just do that?” her eyes are sad. I shake my head sadly, and say “How terrible.” “Besides,” she pleads, “it couldn’t be a gun. He doesn’t even like guns!” Ryan tells me he is going to the bathroom. I know he is escaping. The woman orders her drink, a “venti” shaken black tea lemonade, which surprises me. The worker asks the name, she says “Junior” but spells “J-e-r…..uh v-i-n…. I don’t like to spell that name.” She turns back to me and looks startled, “Hey where did your uh… your… was that your husband?” I consider for a moment and finally say, “Yes that’s my husband.” She smiles warmly, “Where he go?” “To the bathroom.” “Oh, they have real nice bathrooms here. They flush good.” I smile. Ryan returns. I whisper in his ear that we are now married, and that I’ll explain later. He says he looks forward to this explanation. “They have good ones in the Geisinger hospital now too. Re-did them. Real nice,” she says. I smile. I consider leaving this Starbucks. I don’t want to because it seems cruel, but even the Mennonite women who got in line behind me left when questions were directed to them. Hey, it can’t be too cruel if Mennonites do it, right? I decide this line of thinking isn’t helpful. I decide I will stay. I am determined to stay and let this old lady talk to me if she wants. She’s obviously lonely and just wants to talk to someone.

I think of the time I was in Moscow on the metro, going home after being out and about. I was standing, trying to balance and not hold on to the railing and it is very crowded. I am tired but begin to notice the crowd thinning. Then I notice a very sharp, unpleasant smell. It smells like stale urine and feces, beer and blood. As the crowd thins more I see a homeless man, he looks Mongolian. He is standing near the doors, wobbling a little. His clothes are streaked in dirt, as is his face. He has cuts on his face. Everyone packs into the opposite side of the car, the women cover their faces with their scarves and point at him, disgusted. He is crying soundlessly. I remain where I am. I ride silently behind him for about 4 stops. He gets off and normalcy resumes.

The woman gets her drink and plucks what I’m guessing is her husband from a chair in the corner. He is grinning. As we leave Starbucks I see this woman handing the shaken iced tea lemonade to a very obese man in a van, he looks like he’s 20.

Ryan and I get into the car. “So we’re married now?” he asks. “As far as that woman is concerned, yes.” We continue on this bit for the rest of the weekend. “Hey honey, could you do the dishes?” “Darling, where would you like to go for dinner?”

there is a "catpaint" app on my iphone

2009-11-18T22:46:00.000-08:00

....and I love it. Exhibit A:

me & him

2009-11-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

Confronting our parents

2009-11-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

Once, or maybe twice or more than that, but once in my recollection, when we lived in North Carolina my mom dropped me off to be babysat at her friend's house near the military base where my father worked. I was maybe 6 or 7. I hated it. The matriarch was some woman my mom's age, I don't know how she knew her, and she had a few kids around my age. All I remember of the day was being ignored by these children in their playroom while they watched that Alice in Wonderland TV show. Remember this?

I hated this show more than anything. I, unlike most children apparently, did not care for Alice in Wonderland. I was a pretty boring, mild little kid and it was way too sinister for my muted tastes. So there I was, stuck in this playroom with these kids that I suspected didn't like me, stuck watching this show that was at best boring and at worst really freaky. The mom appeared and, seeming to sense my frustration, announced we would be making cookies. Ok, awesome. Oh but wait, we go to make the cookies and I go to put some cookie batter in my mouth and she flips out and says I can't eat cookie batter or I'll get salmonella. Excuse me? Eating raw cookie dough is the best part of making cookies. Also, I have eaten raw cookie dough (not daily or anything but when I decide to make cookies...) for years and I'm not dead yet. Needless to say, the cookies did not comfort me. I had been chastised and forced to watch a weird show in a strange home with people I did not know or like and all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't understand why my mom would take me to such a place and leave me there. I never understood why all the other kids were picked up from school and I had to stay until 5:30 at after school care. I wished my mother didn't work so much or so hard, my father too for that matter, though now I know it was for the good of our family.
I heard a story on This American Life once about confronting our parents. When we're children we think our parents are perfect and are hurt sometimes by the things they do or say to us. When we grow up the best we can look forward to is reaching a day when enough time has passed that we can objectively confront them and ask them why they did certain things. By the time this day is reached the point is moot. Our parents are different people than they were and to point out their "failings" as a parent serves no purpose except to hurt them.

happy halloweeeeeeen

2009-10-31T23:37:00.000-07:00

10 cool points if you know my costume without me prompting you:

Still don't know? How about now...

If you have no idea you obviously aren't hip so I'll lay it out straight for you...
AKA...

I'm just kidding friend, to me you'll always be the hippest kid around. And no one else got it either (but my how I delighted in the 4 people who got it right away...)
And sorry for the mac photoboothness, my camera conveniently died on me tonight, the night I needed it the most.
My Halloween was disappointing in different ways. And everyones costume was the same...not that there's anything wrong with that. I did see Hunter S. Thompson and a member of Team Zissou at the bar so that was cool. And a few different incarnations of Lady Gaga. By this I mean even creepy Lady Gaga such as:

I hope everyone else's Halloweens were better than mine. Show me your costumes!!

sexy song

2009-10-26T22:43:00.000-07:00

Listen and get groovy

I've been learning German for two semesters now, and my current class is taught by a young German guy named Bastian. He actually has great taste in music so every week we have "Musik Montag" (music Monday in case you couldn't figure that out. That's the great and also terrible thing about German... the words are often close to English. And then sometimes they sound similar but mean something completely different....) Anyways all semester, as you can probably tell, I've been taking the music we listen to in class and putting it on my blog, on Ken Perkle (a super secret party people blog) or on facebook. So the above song is obviously German and I don't really know what he's singing about. Something about the moon. But I like it.

Also, something else I discovered just this weekend but that is old... The BBC back in 2006 played a four part miniseries of Jane Eyre and it's fuckin' awesome. I kid you not I watched the whole thing straight, as in all 4 hours of it. I forwent sleep for it, and I've read the book like 5 times. It was that great. WATCH IT! You can watch it free online, just google something like "2006 Jane Eyre online free" and click around, you'll eventually be led to an asian (...japanese maybe? I couldn't say for sure) website where you can watch it for free. So do it. The only thing I thought could've been done better was Bertha's part. She wasn't crazy enough for me. I remember the 90's movie where she was batshit, this one was only middling crazy. Like she kind of screamed and cried out "punta!" a few times (isn't that bitch in spanish?...anyone know?) And maybe she could've been a little more pathetic, like wailing. They pretty much insinuated the whole situation was her fault, and it wasn't. Anyways someone, everyone WATCH IT and then we'll debate this point. For now... bed.... need my beauty sleep because HALLOWEEEEEEEN is fast approaching and I love it.

this is...

2009-10-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

this is my fella, and I miss the hell out of him

and this song always reminds me of him:

DC Ahhhoy

2009-10-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend and today and tomorrow are fall break. AKA pointless 4 day weekend which is unhelpful to those of use who live more than 8 hours away. Although I shouldn't complain, because I went to WASHINGTON DC to visit my "big sister" Jordy!

And she lives in the scariest neighborhood. I thought I'd be murdered Saturday night and I'm not joking. I started to wise up to the situation when her roommate started telling me about "the drive-by" that happened the day before, or when Jordy recounted the story of "the metro car with blood everywhere." Despite all this Jordy is so sweetly optimistic it makes me feel like a grizzled old woman, paranoid and edgy, poo-pooing the "well meaning" strangers Jordy asks directions from and jumping out of her skin when Jordy asks the bus driver a question. "What are you doing!!?! He won't answer your question, that's not his JOB!!"

I'm thinking my weirdness stems from Russia. Now whenever I visit a big city I revert to Moscow mode, meaning I clam up, frown, and don't talk to anyone. I never asked for directions in Russia, even when I was lost. I figured it out myself and that was a source of pride for me. If it meant I didn't end up where I intended to go, that was ok. I brushed it off. Sure I wanted to go to the Pushkin fine arts gallery but this weird ass portrait artist guy's gallery will work just fine. Yeah Moo Moo would've been nice but what's wrong with a little street food? (answer: everything. Don't eat it if you can help it).

Back to DC... since Jordy works for a Jewish group (called Avodah) that houses young Jews and sends them to different non profits, her social activities tend to be all synagogue and Jewish social hour related (where they tend to offer free booze). So I spent Saturday night be taken to various Jewish things, including some holiday celebration, including horah dancing. I have never stuck out more in my life. I wouldn't have noticed it had Jordy not prefaced all this by saying "if you're worried about not being Jewish... don't worry, I'm sure they won't notice." When I said that actually, yeah they probably would notice since I more resemble a member of Hitler Youth than anything she amended it with "well, I'm sure they won't mind..." I don't know if they minded but they sure did notice. I was getting quite a few looks. Like, "hey, imposter. I know you're not Jewish. I know you're here for our free martinis and our dancing in the street." Or then again maybe this is crazy, paranoid Emma talking.

the fruit bats

2009-10-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding this thing. At first, too many things were going on to write about. Then it was too little. Now I'm at a happy medium. I'm busy, I'm working, I'm tutoring (though whether I'm qualified to be doing so is up for debate...), I'm living. Having fun. Enjoying my senior year. Trying my best to practice piano as much as possible. Trying my best to avoid swine flu. Giving advice. Going out on weeknights sometimes, enjoying legal imbibing. Cutting my hair... man it is ugly. I enjoyed long hair because it exuded something that didn't necessarily involve me feeling a thing. Short hair is hard, you have to exude it yourself, you have to feel it. I don't really want to.
And German/German class sucks. What a terrible language. And what a terrible class. It's full of freshman who regard it as English story hour with a few German words thrown in to appease the teacher, who is new and gets completely freaked out 95% of the time because he thinks he's losing control of the class.
And Fall break is this friday and I have no where to go, and no one to visit me. I figure I'll sit around my dorm rearranging things and spending my evenings in the bar, quiet for a change.
So how are you?

german reggae/hiphop

2009-09-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

Peter Fox

2009-07-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

watch this!!!!!!!!!!!!

guess what?

2009-07-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

I didn't dream of riding that beautiful bike like I wished. I had this weird dream about Russia and I was speaking desperately in Russian with a vendor on the street trying to get a bottle of water and then I got this sort of resigned sort of feeling and I thought "this is the beginning of the end." But it wasn't exactly... it was like the countdown had begun in my mind. I feel like if I get to go to Russia again the minute I step out of the plane this countdown will begin, because I'm not allowed to stay there. I'm not Russian and I never will be, no matter how hard I pretend. I'm American and that's that, I can't change it. So I just learn more languages and keep trying.

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago and the girl who cut my hair was exceedingly southern and also kind of dim, though it seems cruel to mention both of those facts in the same sentence. She asked me what I studied and I said "Russian" and then she asked me to say something. "Say something in Russia" "Uhm..." "Say happy birthday in Russia" "С днём рождения" "We got girls here that speak Russia too... I think it's cool." Then she told me about her twin sister who's also a hair dresser and they used to work together, until they both got married to men who work on oil rigs. She told me her sister always did what she did and they were married within two days of each other. Their husbands wanted them to be stay at home wives and my hair dresser said no way but her sister said way. She told me about her unhappy childhood and her volatile home life... it was uncomfortable to listen to, but she didn't seem to mind.

Ryan and I are going to New Orleans tomorrow and we'll be back Saturday. We're going to eat beignets, go to the aquarium, take a stroll down bourbon street in the middle of the day and go to a casino. And the zoo. And a ghost tour. And the Acme Oyster House. And Mother's. Jackson Square. French Market. See ya.

pin cushion

2009-06-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

I am a pin cushion. This is a phrase I heard at least 4 times today.

Because I got 20 allergy shots today. I sat in the allergists office for 8 hours and I got 20 shots, 10 in each arm. Apparently the serum that was injected into my left arm contained mold and grass and the serum they injected into my right arm contained dust mites and dogs. It's weird. And now my right arm has a large welt on it because I am significantly more allergic to dust mites than anything else. And as you can probably imagine, being injected every half an hour into an arm that is increasingly becoming more welted, red, and itchy isn't pleasant. Plus they up the dose slowly throughout the day so my last few shots felt like they were injecting me with acid.

But like most things in life, it wasn't as bad as other things. Like getting shots into your gums. That shit hurts worse. Or... having teeth pulled. That's way more unpleasant. Having a mound of fire ants crawl onto your feet and then bite you repeatedly. Cutting off the tips of your fingers with a ceramic knife while attempting to slice pickles and getting pickle juice in your wounds. Irukandji venom? I've experienced everything except the last thing so I can assure you that all hurts a bit worse than getting 20 allergy shots.

But sitting in a doctors office all day is really interesting. I learned a few things, like mainly I learned that kids do not like shots. They do not like waiting to get shots and often begin to cry, mope, and scream before the shot is even close to beginning. Then when they are actually getting the shot, they really hate that. They begin to scream and cannot be consoled, no matter what their mother promises or the nurse says. I heard mothers promise pizza, games, naps, sponge-bob and chocolate banana milkshakes, and none of this consoled the children. Even after the shot was long over the children would begin to recall the whole humiliation of getting a shot and still they wept. One little girl tried to reason with her mom when the time came for the shot,"Mom, I don't want to do this. I really don't. Mom, can we not do this? I... I really don't... Mom? Moooooooommmmm?" And then she screamed and screamed.

But I finished a book. And afterwords I got a orange creamslush, because I was good and didn't scream or cry.

Now I'm going to bed, hopefully to dream of riding a Gypsy Electra Cruiser:

If I had 500 bucks...

tu me fais chat-virer

2009-06-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

I don't have a job and I still suck at blogging. Oh well.

I'm wearing possibly the ugliest shirt I own that my dad gave me when I was in middle school, which has two cats and there are hearts above them and it says "tu me fais chat-virer." It's also completely polka dotted and looks for some reason like something one would wear in the hospital. The phrase means "you make me cat transfer," which I'm supposing is some sort of weird french slang. One of my teachers explained it once but I can't remember.

Actually, I think it just occurred to me. You know those word games where you will have separate words and then you just say them over and over until you come up with a phrase? I think chat-virer sounds like the word "chavirer" which means "to capsize." So you make me capsize. It's a pun, with cats (which happen to be my favorite kind). Oh those french.

Speaking of cats, I found this ice tray online that makes CAT SHAPED ice cubes. You better believe I'm going to buy it, that's too cute.

Speaking of....things... I have no job. And at this point it's sort of too late and so I probably will not be getting a job this summer. I've accepted this fact and now I'm actually relaxing instead of worrying all day about whether or not I'll be employed. I spend my time reading, going to the gym, and swimming. I recently discovered the joys of swimming underwater on your back so you are looking up and the surface of the water looks like a mirror. I don't know why it took me 21 years to find out about this but it's so fun it's addictive. I could spend hours swimming on my back underwater.

I also spend my time making ice cream. We have two ice cream makers so... how crazy is that? You can make two batches of ice cream at once! I know, I'm living the american dream right here. Lately I've been making really weird flavors, like cinnamon ice cream, champagne ice cream, and tomato ice cream. Tomato ice cream is disgusting and I wouldn't recommend eating it. But I hate tomatoes so I guess it was a pretty ill-thought out sort of thing. I usually give all the ice cream to ryan and his family since I don't know how to make low fat ice cream and I'm watching my waistline. The only complaint comes from his younger brother who wonders why I am incapable of making vanilla ice cream. Some people have no imagination.

On an unrelated topic, can anyone else not believe how old ira glass is? He's 50! He's got gray hair! He is only slightly younger than my mother! It's so creepy. I always thought of him as the voice of my generation, but he's old enough to be my dad. What a let down.

I hate to admit it...

2009-06-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

but I kind of want to see this movie

I am the worst blogger in the wooorrrllldddddd

2009-06-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

and i have no job and no prospects for a job since the manager of surfburger, the place I was assured I would have a job two months ago, called me today and told me in no uncertain terms that I would not be getting a job there this summer, then he yelled at me and told me to get dave, the owner and my dad's friend who was trying to get me the job, off his back. And I just stood there stuttering into the phone while this person who isn't even my boss bitched me out and told me how "pissed" he is at the owner and told me to get a grip and stop bothering him. I didn't mention how pissed I am that this manager strung me along for a month that I spent doing nothing because I thought I had a job. I didn't mention how pissed I am that I had to call several times because he never called me back no matter how many times I left my number, that I was blamed for not filling out an application even though every time I came by there were no applications and he assured me he had my number. What a nightmare.
So hello penny pinching summer!
To hell with this, let's all go to Russia. Let's take a night train ride out of Moscow, sleeping on bunks that feel like they're made of concrete next to a young Russian couple making out and a middle aged man with a pock marked face and a wary look. We'll wake up in Nizhny Novgorod and spend the day taking notes of boring peasant artifacts and the largest matryoshka in the world. At sunset we'll climb to the top of these stairs at and gaze past the Kremlin walls to the waters of the Volga. Let's drink some homemade honey beer and give a toast to the bride. За жизнью

twiiiiiiiiister

2009-05-11T12:35:00.001-07:00

Hello all, sorry I have not updated in so long! School was crazy, someone stole my sigg water bottle (I just ordered another one- my water consumption has dropped drastically since it left my life and I need it back or I will shrivel up!), and of course the hellishly horrible 17 hour drive home. I stopped the first night at my aunt's house in NC and when I awoke and turned on the weather channel there were tornadoes and horrible storms all along I-77 south, and so for this reason I spent another day at my aunt's house. It was not, as Ryan insists, because my aunt just got two of the sweetest kittens ever! Though they are so cute and so sweet and tiny, only 7 weeks old.

Now I'm home. Last night I watched Twister, which was a mistake, because tornadoes are the bane of my existence. And as I type the weather is seriously deteriorating, to the point I have the weather channel and two radar maps open and am comforting myself in another piece of angel food cake with strawberries. I hate tornadoes. And as Twister clearly taught me, they are ever prevalent and deadly. And I am home alone and in charge of two dogs and three cats with only one shelter, the closet, which is full of vacuums and gift wrapping. And it gets hot in there with all of us crammed together.

well lets hope I can avoid the twisters. I'll just bunker down with Gilmore Girls and this second piece of cake

this song

2009-04-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

makes my heart swell

My Sigg

2009-04-21T13:08:00.001-07:00

I got this water bottle in the mail today and I am officially in love with it. I want to drink water 24/7 just to use it. I just might.

Also, open suites tonight. Ugh. That means 5 hours of me going bat shit over my sorority, and frightening freshman. And singing. AND DANCING. And screaming. It's exhausting. Then only my piano recital, an 8 page phonology paper, a phonology hw assignment, a revised 6 page Russian paper and an in class discussion on said paper, a German final and a french(?maybe?) final until i am DONE. Sounds easy enough...

Marina's email to me, translated

2009-04-14T12:46:00.001-07:00

"Dear Little Emma! From all my soul I congratulate you on your "of ageness" (21 years!) You earlier were intelligent and wise, but now it's official! I congratulate your parents, that they brought up such an amazing daughter! Thanks to the invitation of your mother, if God will someday grant me, I will come. You know, you also always will be a wished guest in my home in Moscow.

I understand you, it will not be easy when your boyfriend is a seaman, however you will not just one time in life in this manner clash (with him)- men are often inclined to be obstinate like donkeys (this is a type of little horse but with long ears who croaks "ii-oh, ii-oh")."

It goes on to discuss her dog's stroke and recovery, as well as the improving weather in moscow.

24 hours till birthday

2009-04-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

24 hours and 30 minutes until BIRTHDAY. About a week ago I was really depressed about life and I was less than excited at the prospect of this birthday. Because this birthday has so much going along with it, and whenever anything is hyped up I can't seem to enjoy it. But now, 24 hours away, I actually feel kind of excited. Besides obvious reasons (aka the elephant in the room.... getting krunk legally!), it's kind of exciting that this will be my last exciting birthday for awhile. I mean... this is kind of it until I'm 30. That's a stupid, naive idea and I'm sorry mom, because I know you're rolling your eyes, and I know it's so shallow and doesn't even scrape the surface of what it means to deal with getting older. I just feel like since I turned 19 it's been a two year countdown to this damn birthday and it'll be nice to just do it. And do it safely, of course. One nice thing about living in a town that is roughly 3 square miles in size is that I'm in walking distance of the bar. It is literally around the corner... so no worrying about cabs!

I'm so boring, I'm sorry. I have nothing to talk about. I saw a movie for class tonight called "The Linguists." It was obviously for my linguistics class. It was actually a really funny and also sad movie about the reality of colonization. Linguists predict that by the end of this century, there will be only 10% left of the languages that now exist. There are now 7,000 languages in the world, and there will be only 700. On one hand I know there's so many other things we should worry about besides the dying languages of the world, but everyone has to do something with their life, and not everyone can teach HIV prevention in Africa, and not everyone can promote Habitat for Humanity, and not everyone can work against human rights violations. So someone's gotta go into Siberia and take down recordings of Chulym, a language in Russia with only 4 speakers left as of 2008.

After the movie Erika and I talked to our Russian professor Ludmilla, reminiscing about Russia. We talked about Shesh-Besh, the Uzbeki restaurant near the Moscow Zoo. We talked about Teremok, the blini chain. Sometimes I miss it so much. I was thinking today about the little triumphs that used to be so elating when I was there. At the university there was a coffee machine, and you paid 30 rubles for a little cup of coffee or cappucino. They had different kinds of stuff, you could get hot chocolate or black coffee, or just cappucino with milk or with chocolate. I remember the first few days I was staring at the options and saw the word "ванилний." I don't know why but it just puzzled me. Every day I'd get coffee, I'd see the word and try to figure it out, but I always forgot about it and didn't look it up in the dictionary. One day it just hit me, it was vanilla. In Russian "в" makes a "v" sound, but it looks like a english b. "B" in Russian is "б." So in my head I was thinking "banilni" instead of "vanilni." And even though that's a stupid thing to get mixed up, I was still so proud when I figured it out. That made my whole day. Nothing makes my day like that back in the states.

But hey, I got it good here. I shouldn't complain. Except about my willpower. I've been trying to cut processed carbs (and food in general) out of my diet (except for cereal, which is too delicious to forgo), which has left me with an insane craving for anything carby. I gave in after the movie and downed a brownie and a lemon square at the reception. Oh well. Better luck tomorrow, as they say.

one month left

2009-03-31T10:51:00.001-07:00

Some pictures from Ryan's visit. We had a really great time- we took a trip to State College, about an hour away, to go to the Russian Store. I spoke all in Russian to the clerk and apparently impressed Ryan. Then we picked a random Thai food place and ate super delicious fresh rolls, jasmine tea, and spicy panang curry. Delish.

This weekend was House Party. It was pretty uneventful for us, actually. We mostly hung out at the house but did manage to make it uphill to dance and eat hot dogs. Then Sunday Ryan and I took a trip to RB Winter State Park. It was really foggy and there was this creepy guy eyeing us from his car. Ryan was talking about how the situation would've made a perfect horror movie- deep, thick fog, in the forest, no service on my phone, creepy guys smacking a pack of cigarettes against his wrist and then hiding behind the sign to watch us... it was pretty convincing.

Anyways- I feel really boring today. I'm burnt out on school and ready to go home. Only a month away!

...

2009-03-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

ryan left today. Miss him already!

Break's over

2009-03-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

An octopus at the aquarium... they had a sign warning us not to tap on the glass because octie would flip out, so of course I wanted to do that really, really badly
The astrological signs were tiled in front of the Ringling Mansion and Anna and I could figure out all of them except this one. Naked man holding on to tree stump and taking a poop? We even enlisted the help of an elderly couple and they had no idea either. Eventually I googled it. It's Aquarius, the "water carrier." But this guy is not carrying water, he's dumping it. And why is he naked?
Mini circus! I could've spent a day looking at it, it was really detailed and so adorable.
me and my little!
Apparently they serve brain to their fish in the Mote Aquarium, I guess they want zombie fish. Just kidding! It's the aptly named "Brain" sponge!

Wah. My spring break is over and I'm pretty bummed about that. It was a fantastic, relaxing time. I flew into Sarasota, FL on March 6th to spend the weekend with Anna. I had to take the 5 AM shuttle to get to Harrisburg Airport in time for my flight, and I figured that going to sleep the night before would just be a waste of time and it would be harder to wake up in the morning. Plus my friends were all up and partying, so I joined in the fun. And I indeed managed to stay up, but found myself in zombie mode around 3 AM when I realized I had been staring at a bowl of instant oatmeal I made myself for about 5 minutes. After that lackluster breakfast I went to my room to stare at my suitcase for 20 minutes before finally getting on the shuttle.

Sarasota was fantastic. The weather was gorgeous and it's such a cute little place. Well... I guess not that little. But it's adorable! We got coffee Friday at the Sarasota Olive Company, a coffeehouse/olive company with really cool different olive oils. We ate dinner at Taste of Asia, the best damn Thai/Asian fusion restaurant I've ever been to. We then proceeded to drink an econo size bottle of wine and share secrets/etc., before trudging down to the weekly party, the "Wall." Like every other Wall I've been to, it was shut down exactly 5-7 minutes after I arrived. It was ok though, I still got my fix of new college dancing, a weird mix of that "haha look how awkward I am!" style dancing with genuine, unadulteratedly earnest boogying.

I also managed to force two beach trips while I was there, drunkenly rolled a few cigarettes that Anna proceeded to throw away, visit the aquarium, eat lots of ice cream, see the Ringling estate, and get dog poop on my shoe. I also saw two awesome films- Psycho Beach Party and Let the Right One In. I ALSO ran into a Bucknell student on the New College campus! Then he turned out to be sort of weird so we ditched him. If I ever run into him on campus I will be mortified, and I will also lie through my teeth and say we were really messed up that night and had no clue what was going on.

When we were in the aquarium gift shop, Anna and I found personalized Mote Aquarium tins with mints in them. They had special messages printed on the outside like "#1 dad!" or "I love you!" Our favorite, however, was "You're Fired!" I can't imagine that that could possibly be the best way to go about firing someone, but I really hope someone out there has tried. The runner up for worst possible message to print on a tin of mints was "Gangsta."

I flew home on Monday and had a lovely, calm Spring Break spent with my mom, Ryan, and my pets! I managed to lay in the sun just about every day, went to the beach twice and actually got in the water. I saw Watchmen, which was ok, and rented a few movies. I wish I could've stayed another month but alas my time was cut short.

I had to fly out today in inclement weather and I thought I was really going to die on the flight out of Pensacola- not so smooth. It was awful. The clouds were so extensive and thick I never saw the sky, it was like flying through a tunnel, which made me feel sick. The plane was tilted to an angle the ENTIRE time... I don't know if that helps things when you're flying in bad weather but it sucked for the rest of us. And by the rest of us I mean only me... when I panic I get really chatty and the poor girl next to me had to endure that for awhile. Then the plane began to drop very suddenly, the kind of drop where your stomach falls out and your heart jumps into your throat. I was really certain for a few minutes that that was it for me, I prepared to cover my head and curl up in a ball and hope that the initial impact didn't kill me and I could crawl out the exit without too many third degree burns. I was in complete panic mode, which kind of disappointed me. I've had an issue with flying for a few years now, but I've mostly been able to become a pretty subdued, rational flier but today I was just a mess. If my body could've talked it would have been shrieking. When we finally landed in Atlanta (and there was so much cloud coverage I didn't see the ground until about 7 seconds before we actually landed!) I thanked God and then tried to steel myself for the next flight (which was thankfully a LOT smoother). I'm just glad I'm not flying for awhile now!

And since spring break is over and class is tomorrow...I have a few things to finish up!

Russian Proverbs

2009-02-27T21:49:00.000-08:00

За спрос не бьют в нос- They don't hit you in the nose for asking

Знает кошка, чьё мясо сьела- The cat knows whose meat it has eaten

Кто смел, тот два сьел- Who is brave eats two

Не было у бабы хлопот, так купила порося- The woman had no trouble, so she bought a piglet

Усь в честь, а борода и у козла есть- Moustache is respected and beard is worn even by goats

i miss...

2009-02-26T20:32:00.001-08:00

Moscow. I miss the simple life. And by simple life, I mean a time when my only concern was learning Russian, and not getting mugged or raped. I miss the assumptions people made about me because I didn't have enough language to defend myself- they were usually nice. Galina Mikhailovna thought I was a trusting soul. I like that she thought that. Tamara Evgeneevna said I was boring. Ok, I can live with that too. As long as I bounced along, read a bit and did my best to spit out a sentence, they were happy. Here I have to explain things and let people get to know the REAL me, not the "I'm an american studying in Moscow aren't I naive la la la" me. There's no wall here preventing people from seeing me. The more I say, the more suspect I am. I miss exploring. I miss standing in Red Square and being so taken by the fact that I was IN red square. I miss posh McDonalds! I miss beautiful subways.

I miss actually sleeping, a ton... so, good night friends

crafted to death

2009-02-22T22:38:00.000-08:00

Hello friends, it's Monday morning and I'm completely exhausted from this weekend. I spent the WHOLE time crafting for my "little." Friday, Saturday, Sunday- all given to crafting. Perhaps this makes no sense, and so I should explain: in sororities, when a new pledge class comes in, the older girls may choose to take a little sister. It's a secretive process that culminates in Big/Little Week, in which the big sister, who is a secret to the little sister, gives her a ton of stuff, quite secretively. This means the big, me, has to buy a lot of clothing and then proceed to mark said clothing with CHI OMEGA. or XΩ. And so on. This involves several days of ironing, cutting, and puffy painting. I'm all done now and pretty handsomely in debt, but I'm pretty pleased with the effect.

To counter the debt I have gotten myself into, I worked two shifts at work on Saturday, one in the morning and one at night. They were both pretty relaxed, the night shift was completely quiet except for a few drunken groups stumbling into the cafe and making random drink orders. One guy ordered 5 shots of espresso, all in separate cups, but he didn't want the cups meant for espresso orders, he wanted regular sized cups. Then he forgot that he had ordered this so we made it and said "hey, you, your espresso is ready" and he looked confused and then went, "Oh riiiighhhht! Dude I will DRINK THAT UP. Give it to me!"

I know I promised a book review of the highly enthralling "Twilight" series but when I was shopping the other day I encountered the 3rd book of the series, entitled Eclipse. So you will have to wait another week or two for my rant.

Anyone else watch the Oscars? They were really weird. I haven't really seen any movies lately except for Doubt, so I had no real opinions but I was pretty spot on in my predictions. I was however desperately hoping Mickey Rourke would get best actor for The Wrestler but of course he lost to Sean Penn. Slum Dog rocked it, Kate Winslet finally got hers and began to hyperventilate on stage. How about Alan Arkin saying "Seymour Phillip Hoffman?"

And best speech of the night goes to...

to sum it up...

2009-02-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

I guess you could say that this picture sums up my valentines day...

Just kidding! This picture sums up my friday the 13th. My friend Sara who is leaving very very soon for a semester in Australia paid us a visit this weekend. We began Friday night pretty enthusiastically, as evidenced in this picture, but then it somehow dwindled by 12 or so and ended with us ordering pizza and watching "The 10th Kingdom." I don't know how these things happen.

Valentines Day was pretty awesome, I ate way too much chocolate and felt pretty good about it, and saw DEREK TRUCKS BAND! I was completely blown away. I'm tempted to see another concert of his in PA in April- it was that awesome. Best live show I've ever seen (though that might change if I can ever score some Flaming Lips tickets...) Two of my roommates also saw it, and as we drove home together Beyoncé's "All the Single Ladies" came on the radio. We all looked at each other and sighed in disgust. Someone noted: "It's like we just ate this huge 12 course dinner prepared by the finest chefs in the world and now we have to go back to eating junk food." I couldn't agree more.

Today was my SECOND day of work! Yay! I was pretty stressed because it was the shift when my boss comes in and as I have seen and heard from some people, she is one tough old bird. She likes things done her way and she will bitch you out if you don't. Or just fire you. But she didn't get on my case so let's hope I can keep it that way. Apparently the trick is to always look busy.

Well, I really need to get to bed, I've been having some issues balancing work and leisure ever since a certain mother sent her daughter the first two parts of one of the most addictive book series ever. Yes, I am referring to "Twilight." I received this box from my mom last... Wednesday? And I have already finished the two books, each 400 pages or so. That means some hasty homework and hermit-like activity. I'm a little ashamed to still be able to be caught up in the MOST ridiculous love/angst story I've ever read, and I'm already formulating my own little book review which I will share with you soon, and it's not all good. It's actually pretty bad. Mostly because this is THE most pathetic heroine I've ever come across. Even Harlequin Romance leading ladies could whoop this little vampire lover's ass. But anyways... more later. I'll be dead on my feet tomorrow for sure- good night!

Happy V-Day!

2009-02-14T14:07:00.000-08:00

Does it seem like this valentines day is a bigger deal than it has been in the past? To me it seems that way this year. Any theories?

And anyone else tired of moaning and groaning from the "anti-Valentines" camp? I've been single too in years past on Valentines Day and somehow I made it through the day without grumbling about the Hallmark company, glaring at people who like to celebrate, and fiercely opposing those who wish me a happy day by saying "you mean happy SINGLES AWARENESS day." I mean... come on. We all know it's a BS holiday. We don't get the day off from school or work. Maybe you don't like the typical traditions, or maybe you don't feel like buying roses or being compelled to be "romantic." Then don't! I see it more as a day to let my friends know I care about them, tell my family I love them, and feel excused to indulge in some chocolate or whatever else. And, of course, if you just object to the holiday or don't want to celebrate it- don't! There are holidays I don't celebrate or necessarily believe in but I don't spend my day whining about the fact that it exists. I don't even really have any traditions around V day and I'm not stomping around, pissed at the world just because my boyfriend is 1,000 miles away and we won't be able to be together tonight. I'm watching a horror movie right now, I haven't counted calories in the cookies or pizza I've eaten today, and I'm seeing Derek Trucks Bands tonight. My advice: chill out, you should enjoy your day no matter what! Although that's usually my advice on any given occasion, to just chill out.

So be cool everyone and have a great day!

2009-02-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I'm so terrible at updating this. I'll make it my homepage or something so I won't forget.
That said... nothing really to update about! I've worked exactly one night at my new job, but am scheduled for a few more in the future. It's hard work but it's A LOT better than student calling, and all the people I work with are really helpful and friendly.
I've lost a total of 6 pounds in the last month, my new years resolution being 10 pounds. So close!
Annnnd happy valentines day! In celebration, here's a puppy:

And because I love kitties too, a kittie in a box

Already February

2009-02-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

I'm really bad at updating this thing.

Let's see... I'm done training for my job and now the problem is getting hours! I'm only a sub so I work when other people can't work, but I'm not allowed to work certain hours until I get more practice. So far I'm working Feb 21st from 9-midnight, and that's it!! Although I've only been part of the mailing list for 2 days and already 3 or 4 requests for subs have come up. So let's hope these hours start rolling in or I will be in some monetary trouble.

I'm also recovering from a bit of an illness, although I'm now suspecting that it's a sinus infection. Our campus health center really sucks so I'm not too anxious to go there and get it taken care of. I'm almost over it so that's good.

I'm also in the process of mayyybe finding an internship in Pensacola for the summer. So far they all look horrible except for one where I would work for the tourism board, and it's only part time. That would mean having two part time jobs.

Well that's all for now, but I'll try to write again soon.

New Job

2009-01-27T04:02:00.000-08:00

Random pictures:

Friendssssss

Erika, Me, Nina and Kyle on the kitchen couch.
Paige and me on City Day on Tverskaya. Seems like a million years ago!

Well folks I have a new job! I have one more day of calling left and then I am done! I have training next Tuesday, and then I'll be good to go. I'm only a sub so I'll get all the crap shifts, but I don't mind too much.

I am also having a severe dust mite reaction right now. Today I'll have to launder all my stuff, put the comforter in the dryer, find a HEP vaccuum and possibly an air purifier for my room, and I guess find a mattress encasing. I'm so tired of this- I can't wait until I can have my allergy shots and won't look like a swollen freak when I leave the house! It doesn't help that this house is a zillion years old, or that my room has carpet. Luckily it's brand new carpet but any carpet is dust mite haven. Argggh.

Let's see... I know I haven't written in awhile but I can't think of anything else that happened! My life is so busy yet so uneventful at the same time. Class, work, gym, etc.

I'll write again when something interesting happens...

A New Era?

2009-01-20T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well, there it is, a new year and a new president. Very few times before have I been watching something with the definite thought, "This is big." It's one of those "where were you?" moments. In my life I can think of only two other big "where were you?" moments, that being Columbine and 9-11. I'm glad to finally have something positive to add to the list.

I was in the bison with a ton of other students, kneeling on the floor to watch the big screen. I'm so happy to see a new president take oath, but I'm not as optimistic as everyone else seems to be. Our problems are far from over, and it's a lot for one man to accomplish. I feel like he already has so much weight on his shoulders, and we have so many expectations of him. It's really not fair but unfortunately it's the way things are. I don't think he will solve everything just because he's our first black president, but I think he is an intelligent person and will do the best he can.

And Michelle is soooooo stylish. My god.

What else... last night was my first night back at student calling. yay. I got one pledge on a credit card, but besides that it was pretty uneventful. I have had a nonstop headache ever since then, though, which seems to be a common side effect of this job.

But the very, very VERY good news is that I applied to work at the cafe on campus and I was called today... I HAVE AN INTERVIEW! That means within 2 weeks I could be done with student calling FOREVER. I'm just itching to make a great impression, but I think my willingness to work god awful hours might sinch the deal. God awful hours= weekends.

Also I took a pilates class today and it was awesome. My legs hurt already.

That's about it, I'm going to go to bed and hope that this headache subsides.

My Mind is playing tricks on me!

2009-01-19T08:30:00.000-08:00

Guys... this is completely crazy. I just SKIPPED CLASS and I didn't even realize it. Literally. I went to French at 10 and everything was good.... and after class I went to lunch. No one was there and I was really worried, I thought I got the inauguration day wrong. None of my friends came and I was mad that no one told me they wouldn't be at lunch. I walked home and Nina's boyfriend was sitting on the couch, and I asked if there was something going on, like a big game or something, because no one was at lunch. Then I went in my room and saw the clock said 11:20. I was like, it's 12 not 11, and then it dawned on me, oh my GOD I just skipped class! I completely zoned out and just skipped class. I'm so mad. I'd rather skip class on a day when it matters, and anyways I was trying not to skip at all so I could skip the Friday before spring break. I wrote an email explaining what happened and just apologizing. I've never forgotten about a class before... this is nutso. I don't know what I was thinking.

Oh yeah, and I stayed up an hour later than I wanted to and woke up an hour early this morning to finish an assignment for French and go to the library early to print it. Then he didn't ask for it, and when I asked after class if he wanted it he was all, oh, no that's okay, you keep it.

!!!!!!

no, that's not okay.

what a weird day

Unproductive Weekend

2009-01-18T16:25:00.000-08:00

That's what I'm talking about... first weekend of the semester and I spent it: watching tv, playing guitar hero, watching movies, talking, eating, drinking.

But it was fun! Friday night Sarah and Ali came over to the house and we played cranium. Later we went to a frat where Ali's boyfriend lives and hung out. I left early and walked home in -10 degree wind chill weather! Brr!

Saturday night we went to an art gallery at Susquehanna University where a new exhibit was opening. Nina's dad is the director of the gallery so that was fun. Plus free food and wine! It was pretty cool. It was another very cold night so I didn't go anywhere last night, we all stayed home and watched TV.

And today I watched a movie, The Illusionist, which I hadn't seen in awhile. Sarah came over and then me, Er and Sarah made spaghetti and had a little family dinner.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work :( I just can't wait to be screamed at by alumni all night. Hopefully no one will be home.

I did apply for a job at the cafe on campus so hopefully I can snap that one up and then I won't have to call anymore!!! I'm also currently looking at internships for the summer. There are a few possibilities in Pensacola but I also applied to the CIA. It's a long shot, a really really long shot, but it doesn't hurt to try. If nothing else I'll spend the summer waitressing, saving up money.

Anyways, I should go to the gym, and maybe do some homework too.

First Day of Classes

2009-01-14T14:23:00.000-08:00

Try this link instead... don't know why the other one isn't working.
http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/electra-gypsy--biketechmiami.com
adorable.
So Today was the first day of classes, super exciting. I had French and German, then met with my friends for lunch. French was really hard- I could only think in Russian. I was saying something and then literally said "Da," then the teacher corrected "Oui" and I said "Right... Da... er, Oui, izvinite (sorry in Russian), uhm, desolee, errrr...." Then he paused a moment and said "well, just give it some time, I know it'll improve." And my class is full of freshman. I feel old and stupid.
German was also weird. Apparently the teacher has decided that the best way to teach a 101 language class is by speaking only in this language, flailing your arms madly, and gesturing weirdly. Yeah. She made us get up, run to the blackboard, and touch it. No so helpful since I can say exactly two things now: "Wie ist Ihr Name? Mein Name ist Emma." Beautiful... I think this class will go super well. I'm determined not to worry about it, I'll just go along, repeat after her and do whatever her flailing arms tell me to do. We'll see how well it all turns out.
Lunch was good because I got to see all my friends again minus Sara Russo! I hadn't seen most of them since MAY. Lunch was bad because I'm trying to slim down and I forgot to make a decent lunch this morning= Luna protein bar.
I'm all moved into my room and pretty much everything is set up. It's college chic- I made a desk out of some big boxes and covered it with a table cloth, and my bedside table/make up stand/bookcase is an old tv stand. To top it all off I have a poster of puppies sitting in shoes. Cute!
As soon as I can upload pictures I'll post pictures of my super pathetic single.

Bike!

2009-01-12T14:58:00.000-08:00

I am in love with this bike:

http://thebike-shop.com/itemdetails.cfm?Libld=51932

really expensive though :(

So I'm still in the process of moving into the house, my friend Sarah is going to help me get everything out of storage in Kress Attic tonight.

Anyways nothing really exciting going on... classes start in two days!