Self loathing via Radiohead via this cover of "Creep" by a Belgian girls choir
Sunday, July 18, 2010
the post-grad blues, with a heap of self-loathing
I wrote this whole long blog entry about my dog Peanut dying and sobbed the whole time. After writing, reflected, and deleted entry. There were too many gory details that for now will stay put in my noggin. Suffice to say he died and while it was difficult and upsetting, it was also peaceful and quick. And I miss him, almost three weeks later.
I start work on Monday as a 'telebanking associate," AKA that person you call and scream at when your bank screws something up. That faceless, emotionless, dulcet-toned bank droid you berate for 20 minutes for not completing some seemingly simple task and then shake your head as you hang up, saying something about how scary it is that such idiots handle all your financial information.
That'll be me, ladies and gents. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know how lucky I am to have scored a job at all in the current market. I don't know- it's getting a little hard to stomach all those tight faced looks when people congratulate me on graduating with my very impressive Russian degree, and what am I doing now? Oh working at a bank? Oh how nice.... Cue rolling eyes for my stupid fanciful degree that will get me nowhere special. Probably should've spent my time studying something useful, like accounting or management or computer shit. My degree doesn't count until I mosey on over to Moscow to teach English to Russian schoolchildren, as if that was my whole goal in life. It doesn't seem fair- my friends with "sensible" degrees are in the same boat I am. I don't know where everyone gets this idea that getting a degree means you're suddenly an expert in everything in that subject. If I would ask my management major friends a question about economics they'd give me a vague answer and say something like, "shit I don't remember- that was 2 years ago." At least these friends with practical majors don't have to get the look from people. Like I've failed somehow because I didn't board a plane after graduation and move to Russia. Like I'm a phony because I'm not working for the State Department.
And now I sound like a whiner. But I have GOALS. I'm not ready for the rest of my life to happen. I want the little stuff- to move to a cool, fun place with beautiful scenery. On the West Coast. To become the type of person that hikes and bikes on the weekend and revels in nature. To get an apartment or rent a house or something. To get a job that maybe isn't groundbreaking or life affirming but that is a job that I enjoy, that makes enough money to enjoy life and not be panicky. That's all I want right now- and maybe the world traveler groundbreaking adventurer life-saving shit will come later. Maybe Russian will play a role in that and maybe it won't- it was fun as hell to study and I'm glad I did. I'm glad I didn't drag myself to econ classes that I didn't give a shit about. I learned a freaking language! I'm not fluent or native or anything but I can and did speak it and was understood and understood and made jokes with it and lived on it. I traveled with it, I saw things and experienced things that people here don't really care about. I joined the small club of people who love Russia for all its quirks, who chuckle over the things most Americans get ENRAGED over! It's taught me to be patient, to accept that things don't always go as planned, that you have to fend for yourself when no one else will. Would I have learned these things in an econ class?
Alright people? People who I'm addressing and who will never see this? Keep your expectations and tight faced looks with your spastic eye rolls and smug sense of knowing to yourselves. I'm not interested in your ideas, only my own.
I start work on Monday as a 'telebanking associate," AKA that person you call and scream at when your bank screws something up. That faceless, emotionless, dulcet-toned bank droid you berate for 20 minutes for not completing some seemingly simple task and then shake your head as you hang up, saying something about how scary it is that such idiots handle all your financial information.
That'll be me, ladies and gents. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know how lucky I am to have scored a job at all in the current market. I don't know- it's getting a little hard to stomach all those tight faced looks when people congratulate me on graduating with my very impressive Russian degree, and what am I doing now? Oh working at a bank? Oh how nice.... Cue rolling eyes for my stupid fanciful degree that will get me nowhere special. Probably should've spent my time studying something useful, like accounting or management or computer shit. My degree doesn't count until I mosey on over to Moscow to teach English to Russian schoolchildren, as if that was my whole goal in life. It doesn't seem fair- my friends with "sensible" degrees are in the same boat I am. I don't know where everyone gets this idea that getting a degree means you're suddenly an expert in everything in that subject. If I would ask my management major friends a question about economics they'd give me a vague answer and say something like, "shit I don't remember- that was 2 years ago." At least these friends with practical majors don't have to get the look from people. Like I've failed somehow because I didn't board a plane after graduation and move to Russia. Like I'm a phony because I'm not working for the State Department.
And now I sound like a whiner. But I have GOALS. I'm not ready for the rest of my life to happen. I want the little stuff- to move to a cool, fun place with beautiful scenery. On the West Coast. To become the type of person that hikes and bikes on the weekend and revels in nature. To get an apartment or rent a house or something. To get a job that maybe isn't groundbreaking or life affirming but that is a job that I enjoy, that makes enough money to enjoy life and not be panicky. That's all I want right now- and maybe the world traveler groundbreaking adventurer life-saving shit will come later. Maybe Russian will play a role in that and maybe it won't- it was fun as hell to study and I'm glad I did. I'm glad I didn't drag myself to econ classes that I didn't give a shit about. I learned a freaking language! I'm not fluent or native or anything but I can and did speak it and was understood and understood and made jokes with it and lived on it. I traveled with it, I saw things and experienced things that people here don't really care about. I joined the small club of people who love Russia for all its quirks, who chuckle over the things most Americans get ENRAGED over! It's taught me to be patient, to accept that things don't always go as planned, that you have to fend for yourself when no one else will. Would I have learned these things in an econ class?
Alright people? People who I'm addressing and who will never see this? Keep your expectations and tight faced looks with your spastic eye rolls and smug sense of knowing to yourselves. I'm not interested in your ideas, only my own.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)