Every night I check the closets, the bathroom, and everything else in my 600 square foot apartment. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling and tense when I hear a noise. My ears strain, and the silence roars. My imagination whirs, I think of someone breaking down the door, coming in while I'm asleep. I reach out to touch Ryan's gun, which isn't even loaded, then my hand shrinks away. I've only shot the thing once and hated it so I can't actually imagine myself shooting someone.
Eventually I hear the creaking steps of the upstairs neighbors, bane of my existence ever since we got a "notice" from the landlord saying that someone had complained about "loud voices" coming from our apartment after quiet hours. I'm certain it was the upstairs neighbors and now track their every indiscretion in a notebook, my eyes slitted, hating them even though I know nothing about them except they like the word "fuck" and they smoke, because I can hear them coughing all the time. I'm not quite sure what I will do with the list of indiscretions, but it makes me feel better to track those coughing bastards, their late night parties and their drunken name calling and crying.
It's harder to be alone than I imagined. Hopefully I'll score a !!!JOB!!!! soon and will be more preoccupied.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Cat Food whaaat
After I saw those weird, psychedelic Friskies commercials I didn't think I could possibly feel weirder about cat food
Until I read this article about the marketing campaign. Apparently Friskies was hoping to reach out to cat owners who are really, realllly into the experience of feeding their cat. And I quote:
" "Feeding wet," as Schlueter calls it, can for some owners be a highly ritualized and intimate pet interaction... This is a time for cats and owners to bond over a heap of moist, processed meat. And, according to Schlueter, many owners like to imagine what their cats are feeling and thinking during these moments of culinary ecstasy. This trippy ad, which is for wet food, is meant to capture the altered consciousness of the cat—the sensually heightened bliss it derives from chewing on a pile of damp Friskies."
Disgusting. So after I read that I thought, no, things cannot possibly get more bizarre.
Then I saw this "commercial" (although it's more of a short film):
WHAAAAAT. What was that? I looked it up and found it on youtube and watched it again. Then I called Ryan in the room and made him watch it. I tried to think of what Fancy Feast was up to... what is the point of that? Who are they marketing to?
And then I realized they are marketing to ME. Women cat lovers, in the 20 to mid 30's range, most likely educated young professional women of the marriageable age who are seeing their friends settle down and who long for the same. This woman looks like someone I could know and who is probably a little bit older than me. But she could be ME. She met a man who loves her so much that he noticed that she loves cats (Ryan said if I invited him over to meet my parents for the first time and then spent the whole evening playing with a cat that this most likely would be a deal breaker for him. But obviously this young commercial man finds it endearing), or more specifically ugly fluffy white cats with smooshed in faces who will deposit their very, very long fur on every item of clothing you own so you will need to at all times have a sticky hair roller in your purse, and a back-up in your car so you won't trail long, white cat hair everywhere you go, whether it be the doctor's office or a very important interview. But I digress...
Of course then comes the transformation of the bachelor pad into a little kitty paradise, the PROPOSAL (I also suggested to Ryan that he might want to take note of that. From the look he gave me, I'm guessing my suggestion was not noted), the very subtle but effective view of the rInG!!!!@!@!@! And of course everything in boxes, moving, starting your life together, just you, your honey and your little kitty cat. And feed that little surrogate child some fancy feast IF, of course, you truly love your cat. Because here comes the punch-line, "the best ingredient is love." Of course if you really loved your cat you would feed them wet food only sparingly, since it causes their little kitty kidneys to malfunction and eventually kill them. Or so the vet said.
Anyways- creepy to realize you are being pandered to and sought after. In a cat food commercial. Fancy feast wants me...
Until I read this article about the marketing campaign. Apparently Friskies was hoping to reach out to cat owners who are really, realllly into the experience of feeding their cat. And I quote:
" "Feeding wet," as Schlueter calls it, can for some owners be a highly ritualized and intimate pet interaction... This is a time for cats and owners to bond over a heap of moist, processed meat. And, according to Schlueter, many owners like to imagine what their cats are feeling and thinking during these moments of culinary ecstasy. This trippy ad, which is for wet food, is meant to capture the altered consciousness of the cat—the sensually heightened bliss it derives from chewing on a pile of damp Friskies."
Disgusting. So after I read that I thought, no, things cannot possibly get more bizarre.
Then I saw this "commercial" (although it's more of a short film):
WHAAAAAT. What was that? I looked it up and found it on youtube and watched it again. Then I called Ryan in the room and made him watch it. I tried to think of what Fancy Feast was up to... what is the point of that? Who are they marketing to?
And then I realized they are marketing to ME. Women cat lovers, in the 20 to mid 30's range, most likely educated young professional women of the marriageable age who are seeing their friends settle down and who long for the same. This woman looks like someone I could know and who is probably a little bit older than me. But she could be ME. She met a man who loves her so much that he noticed that she loves cats (Ryan said if I invited him over to meet my parents for the first time and then spent the whole evening playing with a cat that this most likely would be a deal breaker for him. But obviously this young commercial man finds it endearing), or more specifically ugly fluffy white cats with smooshed in faces who will deposit their very, very long fur on every item of clothing you own so you will need to at all times have a sticky hair roller in your purse, and a back-up in your car so you won't trail long, white cat hair everywhere you go, whether it be the doctor's office or a very important interview. But I digress...
Of course then comes the transformation of the bachelor pad into a little kitty paradise, the PROPOSAL (I also suggested to Ryan that he might want to take note of that. From the look he gave me, I'm guessing my suggestion was not noted), the very subtle but effective view of the rInG!!!!@!@!@! And of course everything in boxes, moving, starting your life together, just you, your honey and your little kitty cat. And feed that little surrogate child some fancy feast IF, of course, you truly love your cat. Because here comes the punch-line, "the best ingredient is love." Of course if you really loved your cat you would feed them wet food only sparingly, since it causes their little kitty kidneys to malfunction and eventually kill them. Or so the vet said.
Anyways- creepy to realize you are being pandered to and sought after. In a cat food commercial. Fancy feast wants me...
Friday, April 22, 2011
I have to cook now
That's what sucks about being an "adult" and living on your own and shit.
I have to cook. EVERY DAY. Unless I want to live on coffee (I view even this as a cooking ordeal. Ryan bought a coffee pot and I swear the thing hates me. It doesn't recognize me as its master and therefore feels free to fuck up my coffee or just somehow malfunction and drip coffee grounds all over the counter. And it hisses at me like a cockroach) and cereal all day every day I have to COOK. For the first two weeks in our apartment Ryan and I (scratch that. just me) were really excited about cooking. I looked up recipes and tried to master techniques. Well now we're in week three and I'm definitely over it.
Last night I made a meatloaf. It's my mom's recipe and it's delicious if you're into meatloaf. I made it for Ryan before he returned to the good ol' South and he loved it. So I made it again, but this time just for me. Now I'm eating meatloaf for the next five days, which is fine because now I don't have to cook for five days. But kind of gross too.
Another thing about being "ADULT" (yeah right) is I go bonkers now if any of the food goes bad because I spent my money on it so now it matters if money is being wasted. So I was going through the fridge making sure all the food was being consumed and I found some two week old carrots. I'm thinking shit, now I have to eat like 8 raw carrots because it's NOT getting wasted. Then I looked at the meatloaf and you knowwww what I put carrots in the meatloaf. Sounds insane but didn't really notice them. It's like those dumb Chef Boyardee commercials about the secret vegetables in that god awful ravioli.
It's always good to teach children early on that vegetables are gross. And ravioli is the only thing you will ever need in your life. Also- don't pay attention to food labels. Just eat it. I think that's a lesson for the masses.
One thing I will say (until I retract it)- making my own salad dressing from now on (until I'm tired and like nope). For some reason the salad dressing I bought at the store has been making me gag lately. I just hate it. But I have to eat it because I BOUGHT IT. Vicious cycle. But I found a dressing recipe online and I could eat this all day long. It's delicious. I got this from The Reluctant Gourmet
Ingredients:
1 glove of garlic, smashed
2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
5-6 tablespoons oil (vegetable, corn, canola, olive or some combination)
pinch of dried parsley
pinch of dried thyme
salt and freshly ground pepper to taste
Add the vinegar, garlic, and mustard well. Slowly add the oil while whisking the mixture. Add the herbs and salt and pepper and season to your tastes. I used olive oil and a nice spicy Dijon mustard. Don't make it if you hate mustard, obviously. DELISSHHH.
UPDATE: Ewwwww I just watched that commercial again and how gross is "micro-beef (ravioli)"? Call it lil' bites or something. ANYTHING ELSE
I have to cook. EVERY DAY. Unless I want to live on coffee (I view even this as a cooking ordeal. Ryan bought a coffee pot and I swear the thing hates me. It doesn't recognize me as its master and therefore feels free to fuck up my coffee or just somehow malfunction and drip coffee grounds all over the counter. And it hisses at me like a cockroach) and cereal all day every day I have to COOK. For the first two weeks in our apartment Ryan and I (scratch that. just me) were really excited about cooking. I looked up recipes and tried to master techniques. Well now we're in week three and I'm definitely over it.
Last night I made a meatloaf. It's my mom's recipe and it's delicious if you're into meatloaf. I made it for Ryan before he returned to the good ol' South and he loved it. So I made it again, but this time just for me. Now I'm eating meatloaf for the next five days, which is fine because now I don't have to cook for five days. But kind of gross too.
Another thing about being "ADULT" (yeah right) is I go bonkers now if any of the food goes bad because I spent my money on it so now it matters if money is being wasted. So I was going through the fridge making sure all the food was being consumed and I found some two week old carrots. I'm thinking shit, now I have to eat like 8 raw carrots because it's NOT getting wasted. Then I looked at the meatloaf and you knowwww what I put carrots in the meatloaf. Sounds insane but didn't really notice them. It's like those dumb Chef Boyardee commercials about the secret vegetables in that god awful ravioli.
It's always good to teach children early on that vegetables are gross. And ravioli is the only thing you will ever need in your life. Also- don't pay attention to food labels. Just eat it. I think that's a lesson for the masses.
One thing I will say (until I retract it)- making my own salad dressing from now on (until I'm tired and like nope). For some reason the salad dressing I bought at the store has been making me gag lately. I just hate it. But I have to eat it because I BOUGHT IT. Vicious cycle. But I found a dressing recipe online and I could eat this all day long. It's delicious. I got this from The Reluctant Gourmet
Ingredients:
1 glove of garlic, smashed
2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
5-6 tablespoons oil (vegetable, corn, canola, olive or some combination)
pinch of dried parsley
pinch of dried thyme
salt and freshly ground pepper to taste
Add the vinegar, garlic, and mustard well. Slowly add the oil while whisking the mixture. Add the herbs and salt and pepper and season to your tastes. I used olive oil and a nice spicy Dijon mustard. Don't make it if you hate mustard, obviously. DELISSHHH.
UPDATE: Ewwwww I just watched that commercial again and how gross is "micro-beef (ravioli)"? Call it lil' bites or something. ANYTHING ELSE
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
prairie dogs?
I just had to google that to figure out how you spell "prairie." Ridiculous.
But there are PRAIRIE DOGS on the side of the highway. Running around and jumping in their holes and looking out and holding their little arms against their little prairie chests. They aren't secretive about it either. I get really excited about them when I see them but I guess this is something everyone else here is used to.
I always thought of myself as a bit of a city gal, not really being keen on small towns or places where one has to actively search for a shoe store (and other necessities). When we decided to move here I was feeling very happy about the decision and being able to see Denver from my apartment's little porch. We're on the outskirts, where there's public open space about a mile down the road and views of the foothills. Everything was feeling very idyllic.
And then I drove THROUGH Denver.
I can honestly say I've never been one to get too angry about traffic- I'm generally a very easy going person. Apparently that was a different life because today I found myself pounding my steering wheel until my hands hurt and screaming obscenities that have never before left my mouth (you goddamned cock sucking sheisty little piece of shit and offal) and almost dissolving into tears when I saw the 7 lane highway packed with cars. And I reiterate... WTF. How can 7 LANES BE PACKED AT 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON ON A WEDNESDAY?!?
I would rather endure the threat of bear attack on a daily basis and dig holes to poop in than find myself crying about traffic. Maybe that's extreme, maybe I'm more of a "mid size town with decent road structures and a Whole Foods a few miles away" type of gal rather than a rugged outdoorsy type or a city dweller.
Denver, that's strike one. You'd better shape up your act or perhaps I'll have to give in to my wanderlust sooner rather than later...
But there are PRAIRIE DOGS on the side of the highway. Running around and jumping in their holes and looking out and holding their little arms against their little prairie chests. They aren't secretive about it either. I get really excited about them when I see them but I guess this is something everyone else here is used to.
I always thought of myself as a bit of a city gal, not really being keen on small towns or places where one has to actively search for a shoe store (and other necessities). When we decided to move here I was feeling very happy about the decision and being able to see Denver from my apartment's little porch. We're on the outskirts, where there's public open space about a mile down the road and views of the foothills. Everything was feeling very idyllic.
And then I drove THROUGH Denver.
I can honestly say I've never been one to get too angry about traffic- I'm generally a very easy going person. Apparently that was a different life because today I found myself pounding my steering wheel until my hands hurt and screaming obscenities that have never before left my mouth (you goddamned cock sucking sheisty little piece of shit and offal) and almost dissolving into tears when I saw the 7 lane highway packed with cars. And I reiterate... WTF. How can 7 LANES BE PACKED AT 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON ON A WEDNESDAY?!?
I would rather endure the threat of bear attack on a daily basis and dig holes to poop in than find myself crying about traffic. Maybe that's extreme, maybe I'm more of a "mid size town with decent road structures and a Whole Foods a few miles away" type of gal rather than a rugged outdoorsy type or a city dweller.
Denver, that's strike one. You'd better shape up your act or perhaps I'll have to give in to my wanderlust sooner rather than later...
Monday, April 11, 2011
5 things about colorado so far
..where I have recently moved.
1. It is very dry. Very very dry. On the positive side of this, my hair behaves more than when I lived down south. On the downside, I wake up and every day my lips are chapped. I have to put on chap stick ALL THE TIME and I wonder if this will ever end. My nose sometimes bleeds. My skin feels dry and cracked. Will my body get used to the dry, arid air? Will I always feel like a fish that poked its head out of water?
2. People drive terribly. TERRIBLY. They do not follow the speed limit and by this I mean they always go about 10 below the speed limit. They don't change lanes well. Stop signs occasionally cause confusion.
3. On top of this bad driving they have very bad ROAD RAGE and get very, VERY angry about all the terrible driving going on. They seem to be in a very big hurry all the time and need to express how hurried and pissed off they are by screaming, cursing, hand gestures, and last but certainly not least honking. They honk all the damn time. And a small anecdote about the ROAD RAGE mentioned earlier... Ryan and I were making a trip to Walmart for a few items for the apartment our first day moving in. We were exiting the Walmart parking lot and there was a slight misunderstanding about lanes between us and the lady in the turn lane next to us. No big deal, both of us were going about 15 miles per hour and we swerved and they swerved and no harm was done. The lady FREAKED OUT and honked and visibly flicked us off (with both hands) and we could hear her screaming from inside her car. We both started laughing because this was the biggest over reaction either of us had seen in a long time. At the stop light she GOT OUT OF HER CAR, approached our car, and started screaming at us, called us assholes and told us not to laugh because she had kids in the car. Then got in the car and sped off. This is just one example of extreme road rage I have witnessed. What gives? Why is everyone so angry? Perhaps its the vicinity to Denver and just big city attitudes but who knows.
4. Great beer selections available
5. Most the time the sky is so blue...
1. It is very dry. Very very dry. On the positive side of this, my hair behaves more than when I lived down south. On the downside, I wake up and every day my lips are chapped. I have to put on chap stick ALL THE TIME and I wonder if this will ever end. My nose sometimes bleeds. My skin feels dry and cracked. Will my body get used to the dry, arid air? Will I always feel like a fish that poked its head out of water?
2. People drive terribly. TERRIBLY. They do not follow the speed limit and by this I mean they always go about 10 below the speed limit. They don't change lanes well. Stop signs occasionally cause confusion.
3. On top of this bad driving they have very bad ROAD RAGE and get very, VERY angry about all the terrible driving going on. They seem to be in a very big hurry all the time and need to express how hurried and pissed off they are by screaming, cursing, hand gestures, and last but certainly not least honking. They honk all the damn time. And a small anecdote about the ROAD RAGE mentioned earlier... Ryan and I were making a trip to Walmart for a few items for the apartment our first day moving in. We were exiting the Walmart parking lot and there was a slight misunderstanding about lanes between us and the lady in the turn lane next to us. No big deal, both of us were going about 15 miles per hour and we swerved and they swerved and no harm was done. The lady FREAKED OUT and honked and visibly flicked us off (with both hands) and we could hear her screaming from inside her car. We both started laughing because this was the biggest over reaction either of us had seen in a long time. At the stop light she GOT OUT OF HER CAR, approached our car, and started screaming at us, called us assholes and told us not to laugh because she had kids in the car. Then got in the car and sped off. This is just one example of extreme road rage I have witnessed. What gives? Why is everyone so angry? Perhaps its the vicinity to Denver and just big city attitudes but who knows.
4. Great beer selections available
5. Most the time the sky is so blue...
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